“Stop”.
This is what life has come to whisper in my ear. Irony of fate! It is time to put an end to this frantic pace, which several months ago already suffered the same fate. Here I am back, at the dawn of Mercury’s first retrograde in 2022-perfect astral period for non-communication-, with the desire to share this experience with you.
“The end of a cycle is near, I am closing this cycle. “. These are the words that came to me when I looked at today’s date, January 12, 2022. This deep cycle of transformation began 3 years ago. I wanted to share this progress with you, both to inform you and to free myself from it.
After months of latency and above all suffering, I am finishing my law degree. First STOP.
Deep mental and physical exhaustion, it’s June 7, 2019.
Three long years of mistreating my body, my memory, my relationships, my soul, life finally gives me this moment. I give me the right to live, to take the time to do the things I love, I can slow down the pace. I torture myself -the word is strong but retrospectively this is what I made-. The bio-decoders will say that I don’t have a thyroid problem but my intestines often suffer. No more constraints, no more schedules, no more constant inner pressure such as “today I learned only 12 pages, it’s not enough, I was better yesterday”, I begin to live again.
Nevertheless, this pleasure was only short-lived when I announced to my family circle (mostly understanding) this choice to go on an unknown trip to try to find who am I. I was flooded with fears, doubts, loss of bearings but I had to get out of my comfort zone. The one I tend to come back to when everything falters, the one that feeds the cycle. Couple of cold-resistant clothes, a good amount of courage, free of my ex-companion : let’s go to LAPLAND. My breath of life… But be patient, you will soon know more.
However, as an experience is only true after several realizations, taken by the whirlwind of life, I reiterate. September 2020, after several months of breath of life, I return to France. A single objective: save and prepare everything to leave. Immediately, the relentless worker that I am put everything in place to complete this project (Finnish university, work at the bank with the support of my mother, my website, etc.). Only, unconsciously, the infernal spiral was launched again. A day of rest in the week, an oppressive job, a love life to carry (I will come back to this soon), a return to square one and boom second STOP!
Burn-out, it’s December 4, 2020.
After many messages from my body, ignored by my mind, I ended on sick leave. The verdict falls: sciatica (not moving forward, being blocked) and burn-out (total knockout). Having the chance to be well surrounded (parents, friends, medical staff), I rest. I re-find the time to live, the creativity, the spark of life. I draw, read, educate, work on myself, on my website project… It’s true, I feel less guilty for not working every day (thanks to the deep-rooted destructive family patterns), the smile also is back…
Boosted and full of hope, I resume the path of “normal life”. A Finnish diploma in my pocket (Mercurian with a busy IX house), hazelnuts in my bank account, stars in my eyes and a light heart, I fly away towards my breath of life on August 31, 2021. Everything seems different , as if time had stopped, as if the stress of daily life had not invaded this pure immensity, as if everything was possible. I realize myself. I work with animals, I develop unknown skills (sewing, painting), I take my time.
Only, I lacked social relations and with 0.1 inhabitants per square kilometer it is not surprising. Family questions followed (doubtful of the sustainability of this project), pushing me to look for a “real job”. A few phone calls later, I was hired by one of the biggest tourism companies in Lapland. Being in contact with nature, new people, developing self-confidence, managing my energy hyper-permeability, such was my new program.
Then, everything happened very quickly, too quickly that I forgot myself.
86 hours of work per week, few days off, deep fatigue, lack of listening, customer irritability, this is what, almost a year later, I had fallen into. All this for what ? A security? A comfort zone that I know very well? An unconscious fulfillment of a family pattern? A semi-conscious reproduction of a cycle? No need to leave an exhilarating suspense for the rest.
On Thursday, January 6, 2022, I am placed in quarantine and declared as a “contact case”. Last STOP.
Diagnosed positive for COVID 19, it is January 8, 2022.
That is 3 years to the day after the biggest click of my life, this virus points to my transformation and gives me the tools to be adapted. STOP to self-sabotage, STOP to forget me, STOP to the fears of others in my own reality, STOP to the judgments/ideas of the other, STOP to this life which is going too fast, STOP to who I am ready to accept but which does not suit me, STOP to this zone of “com-fort” (this strong con yes!) in which I stagnate, STOP to this lack of love and self-esteem, STOP to this life that is not up to who I am.
HELLO TO THIS NEW CHAPTER that I feel ready to open.
I make a promise to myself that, even in case of doubts, weaknesses, I will never again neglect myself, I will no longer put myself in the background and I will honor, each day of my life a little more, the wonderful soul that I am.
Margaux
